Residents in the sought after hamlet of West Bridgford were alarmed to discover a secret meeting taking place in a local community centre last night.

“I think it were a clinic of some sort” muttered local resident, Harold Twitcher (108), on condition of anonymity. “They all looked like addicts who were about to get their first fix in months…. it were scary to see… Rabid, they were… you could feel t’excitement oozing out of ’em”.

“It’s definitely a cult” opined Colonel Brenda Curtains (52), Oberfhurer in the Neighbourhood Watch, St Giles Faction. “They all had a secret code that let them in. If that’s not cultish I don’t know what is. They were wearing a uniform and and they have clearly all been locked up – I could hear them whittering about how nice it is to be finally out…

”.Intrepid investigative reporter, Jackie ‘Lise Doucet’ Shears (25), immediately dropped her current assignment trying to uncover what possessed whoever wrote September, and turned her attention to infiltrating the secret gathering.”I have cultivated contacts for months, including hacking in to an exclusive on line community where they have been planning this secret meet up for weeks. Participants have undergone a complex sign up, log in exercise on a dark net website in order to be inducted into the cult. It’s like the Masons. Only with music. And women. Lots of women”.

“It was apparent they all knew each other from the on line forum – there were regular references to “things they have done before”, and secret recordings made by individuals and submitted to the Cult Leader. I believe the recordings only made sense when put together. In fact some mythical figures known as Alkonosts were also reportedly in attendance but I couldn’t see anything – I suspect hallucinogenics were involved, especially the cult leader. She was definitely on something.

Reports suggest more widespread use of mood enhancing substances as there was significant amounts of grinning and laughing (and chattering incessantly (you know who you are!)). The cult initiation involved a raucous rendition of ‘All Together Now’, affectionate bellowing of what was cryptically referred to as a “Liberty Banger” and smug mastering of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”, casually thrown down as a gauntlet to the Nightingale Faction next week…..

Our reporter concluded “I plan to return next week and see if I can find out more via the Nightingale Chapter. I feel drawn back – it was a warm and happy atmosphere…strangely addictive and full of a gentle joy I remember from the past…. it’s been niggling at me all day – it all felt nostalgically familiar. Like a strange dream where only tea, cake and a tutu were missing. That reminds me, must make an appointment with my therapist…

”Picture shows the obedient cult members and their suspiciously bonkers leader. (Photo Credit the splendid Ali Johnston for AliJ Photography

)IN OTHER NEWS:Famed local mental health group West Bridgford Liberty Singers last night returned to face to face rehearsals at the newly revamped Lutterell Hall. Charismatic Choir Director to the Stars, Kari Olsen Porthouse (32), whipped a happy crowd, on line and in person, into a socially distanced frenzy of joyous singing. After pivoting faster than Florence on a Magic Roundabout, KO-P (28) provided a warm safe familiar space, on line, through out lock down to keep the choir community going, helping individuals manage their mental health and generally giving a familiar port in the COVID Storm. Bravo, one and all – you sounded beautiful!